1 00:00:02,536 --> 00:00:05,137 Betrayed... by my own daughter. 2 00:00:05,139 --> 00:00:06,405 It's a free country. 3 00:00:06,407 --> 00:00:08,540 You know I forbade anyone in this family 4 00:00:08,542 --> 00:00:10,609 from ever eating at O'Shanahan's again, 5 00:00:10,611 --> 00:00:12,811 ever since they cut me off in the middle of 6 00:00:12,813 --> 00:00:14,813 "All You Can Eat Wings" night. 7 00:00:14,815 --> 00:00:16,281 It was for your own safety. 8 00:00:16,283 --> 00:00:17,750 You vomited twice and were having 9 00:00:17,752 --> 00:00:20,619 - severe heart palpitations. - I didn't feel full! 10 00:00:20,621 --> 00:00:23,288 The point is, you broke a promise to your family. 11 00:00:23,290 --> 00:00:25,223 Family always comes first, Haley. 12 00:00:25,225 --> 00:00:28,293 [Sighs] I need something to soothe my jangled nerves. 13 00:00:28,295 --> 00:00:30,562 Steve, how about you put a smile on your old man's face 14 00:00:30,564 --> 00:00:31,896 and do the "Backseat Shuffle"? 15 00:00:31,898 --> 00:00:33,832 - [Vocalizing] - Aw, come on. 16 00:00:33,834 --> 00:00:35,433 Get yourself out of that seat belt 17 00:00:35,435 --> 00:00:36,701 so you can really give those shoulders 18 00:00:36,703 --> 00:00:39,171 - room to shimmy. - [Vocalizing] 19 00:00:39,173 --> 00:00:40,705 There we go. 20 00:00:40,707 --> 00:00:43,508 ? Sh-Sh-Shake shake shimmy a-slippin' and slidin' ? 21 00:00:43,510 --> 00:00:45,377 - ? Oh, I just gotta get my groove on ? - That's it now. 22 00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:46,979 ? When I'm in the backseat ridin' ? 23 00:00:46,981 --> 00:00:48,713 - ? I shimmy to the left ? - All right! 24 00:00:48,715 --> 00:00:50,315 - ? I shimmy to the right! ? - "Backseat Shuffle"! 25 00:00:50,317 --> 00:00:52,317 ? I'm rockin' the upholstery almost every single... ? 26 00:00:52,319 --> 00:00:54,319 - [Gasps] - [Tires screech] 27 00:00:54,321 --> 00:00:56,921 [Car door shuts] 28 00:00:56,923 --> 00:00:58,056 How?! 29 00:00:58,058 --> 00:00:59,792 How could we have let this happen?! 30 00:00:59,794 --> 00:01:01,994 What's the big deal? It's just some dumb old mural. 31 00:01:01,996 --> 00:01:03,395 - Wha... - Whoa. 32 00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:05,197 I-I feel a little... I feel a little woozy. 33 00:01:05,199 --> 00:01:08,266 This mural has been a Langley Falls institution 34 00:01:08,268 --> 00:01:09,534 since 1982... 35 00:01:09,536 --> 00:01:11,136 I'm just gonna... rest my head 36 00:01:11,138 --> 00:01:13,338 on this bit of filth here on the concrete. 37 00:01:13,340 --> 00:01:15,874 ...depicting a pantheon of great Americans... 38 00:01:15,876 --> 00:01:20,412 Abraham Lincoln, Ronald Reagan, Jesus, Nolan Ryan, 39 00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:21,814 Schneider from "One Day at a Time," 40 00:01:21,816 --> 00:01:25,950 in celebration of loyalty, integrity, and honesty... 41 00:01:25,952 --> 00:01:29,554 three virtues that can be summed up in one simple word, 42 00:01:29,556 --> 00:01:31,089 "loyntegresty." 43 00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:33,826 A trait you clearly don't have. 44 00:01:33,828 --> 00:01:35,694 That's it... At this very moment, 45 00:01:35,696 --> 00:01:38,430 one thing and one thing only matters... 46 00:01:38,432 --> 00:01:41,433 this mural must be restored. 47 00:01:44,371 --> 00:01:46,971 ? Good morning, U.S.A. ? 48 00:01:46,973 --> 00:01:50,709 ? I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ? 49 00:01:50,711 --> 00:01:53,912 ? The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ? 50 00:01:53,914 --> 00:01:58,484 ? And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ? 51 00:02:00,054 --> 00:02:03,588 ? Oh, boy, it's swell to say ? 52 00:02:03,590 --> 00:02:06,124 - ? Good... ? - ? Good morning, U.S.A. ? 53 00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:07,326 Aah! 54 00:02:08,529 --> 00:02:11,596 ? Good morning, U.S.A. ? 55 00:02:11,598 --> 00:02:14,066 - [Birds chirping] - _ 56 00:02:14,068 --> 00:02:15,600 Don't you need to sign up to speak 57 00:02:15,602 --> 00:02:17,001 - at the Town Council meeting? - Me? 58 00:02:17,003 --> 00:02:20,138 No, I'm very well-known in this community. 59 00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:23,075 Hey, it's that guy who pooped his pants at O'Shanahan's! 60 00:02:23,077 --> 00:02:24,609 [Tink!] 61 00:02:24,611 --> 00:02:27,079 Fellow citizens, have any of you driven down 62 00:02:27,081 --> 00:02:30,014 Old Chickasaw Road recently... probably not. 63 00:02:30,016 --> 00:02:32,217 Ever since they shut down that White Castle where 64 00:02:32,219 --> 00:02:34,086 all those Jehovah's Witnesses got murdered, 65 00:02:34,088 --> 00:02:35,888 there hasn't been much reason to. 66 00:02:35,890 --> 00:02:38,557 But if you had, you would've seen... 67 00:02:38,559 --> 00:02:40,092 - this! - [Crowd gasps] 68 00:02:40,094 --> 00:02:43,695 Our town's most cherished landmark sullied, 69 00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:45,497 violated, raped. 70 00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:47,832 Okay, okay, too far. Maybe... Maybe not raped. 71 00:02:47,834 --> 00:02:49,434 But definitely molested. 72 00:02:49,436 --> 00:02:51,836 That mural is our greatest treasure, 73 00:02:51,838 --> 00:02:54,506 a clarion call in brush and hue 74 00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:57,576 to aspire to our better selves. 75 00:02:57,578 --> 00:02:59,978 It's where I got my first handy J! 76 00:02:59,980 --> 00:03:02,714 Our love of the mural has been reignited! 77 00:03:02,716 --> 00:03:05,384 [Crowd chanting "Mural!"] 78 00:03:05,386 --> 00:03:08,253 But loving the mural is not enough. 79 00:03:08,255 --> 00:03:10,789 Unless it's restored, future generations 80 00:03:10,791 --> 00:03:12,991 will be denied its message of loyntegresty 81 00:03:12,993 --> 00:03:16,595 and go astray... like my very own daughter. 82 00:03:16,597 --> 00:03:17,796 [All gasp] 83 00:03:17,798 --> 00:03:19,731 This is why you brought me here? 84 00:03:19,733 --> 00:03:21,533 Look, if we're gonna restore the mural, 85 00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:23,067 maybe we could add some diversity, 86 00:03:23,069 --> 00:03:26,070 like, say, replace Schneider with Harriet Tubman? 87 00:03:26,072 --> 00:03:28,206 Did Harriet Tubman sign autographs 88 00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:30,609 for 15 minutes at Panini Barn? 89 00:03:30,611 --> 00:03:31,876 This... 90 00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:34,012 this is why I'm proposing the creation 91 00:03:34,014 --> 00:03:36,080 of a mural-restoration task force, 92 00:03:36,082 --> 00:03:38,751 a team of our city's finest artists and craftsmen, 93 00:03:38,753 --> 00:03:41,085 to be led by... me, 94 00:03:41,087 --> 00:03:43,956 the man who crapped himself at O'Shanahan's. 95 00:03:43,958 --> 00:03:46,992 [All chanting "Stan Smith!"] 96 00:03:50,831 --> 00:03:52,764 Did you ever think you'd have a son who'd be 97 00:03:52,766 --> 00:03:54,432 going to one of the most exclusive 98 00:03:54,434 --> 00:03:58,637 nonsegregated clowning academies on the Atlantic seaboard? 99 00:03:58,639 --> 00:04:00,639 No. No, I did not. 100 00:04:00,641 --> 00:04:01,840 Mwah! 101 00:04:01,842 --> 00:04:03,108 [Inhales deeply] 102 00:04:06,180 --> 00:04:07,445 [Imitates gunshot] 103 00:04:07,447 --> 00:04:09,848 [Balls squeaking] 104 00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:12,050 The teacher here is supposed to be the most intense 105 00:04:12,052 --> 00:04:14,586 and demanding instructor in all of clowning and... 106 00:04:14,588 --> 00:04:17,189 Shit. It's Roger, isn't it? It's gonna be Roger. 107 00:04:17,191 --> 00:04:19,924 All right, jagoffs, the name's H.G. Rimmons. 108 00:04:19,926 --> 00:04:21,926 Look to your left. Look to your right. 109 00:04:21,928 --> 00:04:23,328 By the end of the semester, 110 00:04:23,330 --> 00:04:26,130 60% of you will be dead by your own hand. 111 00:04:26,132 --> 00:04:28,533 The rest will be clowns, ya dig? 112 00:04:28,535 --> 00:04:30,402 Okay, I'm out of here. 113 00:04:30,404 --> 00:04:31,470 Huh. 114 00:04:31,472 --> 00:04:32,805 I'm... I'm a little confused. 115 00:04:32,807 --> 00:04:35,540 Because you said here on your application 116 00:04:35,542 --> 00:04:36,675 you wanted to be a clown. 117 00:04:36,677 --> 00:04:37,942 More than anything. 118 00:04:37,944 --> 00:04:39,277 So what's your "gooch"? 119 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:41,013 Gooch is "horncorn" for clown name. 120 00:04:41,015 --> 00:04:43,081 Horncorn is horncorn for clown lingo. 121 00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:46,084 Gonna be honkin' a lot of horncorn around here, ya dig? 122 00:04:46,086 --> 00:04:47,752 So, what's your gooch, kid? 123 00:04:47,754 --> 00:04:49,287 - Dimples. - Dimples? 124 00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:51,223 Pretty "buckety" gooch, don't ya think? 125 00:04:51,225 --> 00:04:52,957 More horncorn. [Chuckles] Relax. 126 00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:54,092 Just sliding your whistle. 127 00:04:54,094 --> 00:04:55,227 Why don't you show us what you got. 128 00:04:55,229 --> 00:04:56,961 I... Uh... 129 00:04:56,963 --> 00:04:58,831 Come on, man... No pressure. 130 00:04:58,833 --> 00:05:00,899 Just lay a little jape on these cats. 131 00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:02,567 Whatever you got. No big. 132 00:05:02,569 --> 00:05:07,305 [Julius Fucik's "Entry of the Gladiators" plays] 133 00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:09,174 [Squeaking] 134 00:05:09,176 --> 00:05:10,509 [Farts] 135 00:05:10,511 --> 00:05:12,777 Fart was a nice touch. Smells, too. 136 00:05:12,779 --> 00:05:14,513 Ladies and gentlemen, we could be looking 137 00:05:14,515 --> 00:05:16,849 at the next Emmett Kelly... 138 00:05:16,851 --> 00:05:19,117 - ...of sucking! - Ohh. 139 00:05:19,119 --> 00:05:21,119 That's right, you nut-lickin' little turds. 140 00:05:21,121 --> 00:05:22,521 I ain't here to hold your hands. 141 00:05:22,523 --> 00:05:23,922 I'm here to play mind games 142 00:05:23,924 --> 00:05:26,991 and emotionally abuse you into being clowns. 143 00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:28,060 - [Ball squeaks] - Ohh. 144 00:05:28,062 --> 00:05:30,795 That's clowning, you shitheads! 145 00:05:30,797 --> 00:05:33,331 [Whistling pleasantly] 146 00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:34,399 Hey, Dad. 147 00:05:34,401 --> 00:05:36,068 Where's the rest of the task force? 148 00:05:36,070 --> 00:05:38,403 We had our team-building dinner at Benihana's. 149 00:05:38,405 --> 00:05:40,405 Blew the whole budget. Had to let them go. 150 00:05:40,407 --> 00:05:42,274 You know, got to admit, it's pretty cool 151 00:05:42,276 --> 00:05:44,008 you're doing something for the community. 152 00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:45,544 [Tires screech, horn honks] 153 00:05:45,546 --> 00:05:47,880 This town owes you one, Stan! 154 00:05:47,882 --> 00:05:49,147 Yeah! 155 00:05:49,149 --> 00:05:52,350 [Tires squeal] 156 00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:54,419 Well, I guess I'll let you get to it. 157 00:05:54,421 --> 00:05:55,988 Good luck, Dad. 158 00:05:58,825 --> 00:06:00,825 All right, let's start by getting the grime 159 00:06:00,827 --> 00:06:02,627 off the old cheeks. 160 00:06:02,629 --> 00:06:03,828 Dad, dab, dab. Oh, nope. 161 00:06:03,830 --> 00:06:05,297 Smudging just a little bit. 162 00:06:05,299 --> 00:06:07,700 No problem, no problem. Just need to even it out. 163 00:06:07,702 --> 00:06:09,367 Easy. Easy. 164 00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:11,169 Okay, now that's really starting to smear. 165 00:06:11,171 --> 00:06:13,972 Well, I can just freehand that jawline back into shape. 166 00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:19,177 Hmm. Might as well really get in there with some 409, 167 00:06:19,179 --> 00:06:20,379 then, and... 168 00:06:22,783 --> 00:06:23,982 There goes the face. 169 00:06:23,984 --> 00:06:25,250 That's okay, that's okay. 170 00:06:25,252 --> 00:06:27,051 Got to get worse before it gets better. 171 00:06:27,053 --> 00:06:29,588 Let's get the old Brillo Pad in on the action. 172 00:06:29,590 --> 00:06:30,989 - [Scraping] - Okay. 173 00:06:30,991 --> 00:06:33,726 Think we're getting back on track now. 174 00:06:33,728 --> 00:06:37,730 - [Dramatic music plays] - _ 175 00:06:37,732 --> 00:06:39,998 [Indistinct talking] 176 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:42,134 Dad, you look nervous. 177 00:06:42,136 --> 00:06:44,202 Did everything turn out okay with the mural? 178 00:06:44,204 --> 00:06:45,470 What? Yeah. 179 00:06:45,472 --> 00:06:47,205 [High-pitched] I-I mean, yeah. Yeah, I think so. 180 00:06:47,207 --> 00:06:50,075 I think... I mean, sure. Yeah, turned out great. Why? 181 00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:51,076 [Extremely high-pitched] I mean, definitely. 182 00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:53,345 Without any further ado, 183 00:06:53,347 --> 00:06:58,817 I give you your fully-restored mural! 184 00:06:58,819 --> 00:07:00,084 [All gasp] 185 00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:02,054 [Indistinct conversations] 186 00:07:10,030 --> 00:07:12,297 How could you have done this, Stan?! 187 00:07:12,299 --> 00:07:15,968 [Crowd booing] 188 00:07:15,970 --> 00:07:18,236 But Stan loved that mural. 189 00:07:18,238 --> 00:07:20,839 It was his daughter who had it out 190 00:07:20,841 --> 00:07:22,907 - for Schneider. - What?! 191 00:07:22,909 --> 00:07:25,443 Stan did say she lacked loyntegresty. 192 00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:28,446 I bet she did this... for hippie reasons! 193 00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:29,714 Yeah! 194 00:07:29,716 --> 00:07:31,115 - [Crowd booing] - Dad! 195 00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:33,318 Stand up for me! Tell them I didn't do it! 196 00:07:37,858 --> 00:07:39,258 Dad! 197 00:07:43,398 --> 00:07:44,898 _ 198 00:07:44,899 --> 00:07:46,965 [Singsong voice] Haley? 199 00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:48,700 Sugar blossom? 200 00:07:48,702 --> 00:07:50,302 Pumpkin dumpling? 201 00:07:50,304 --> 00:07:52,504 Daddy's little sugar-frosted raspberry maple fritter? 202 00:07:52,506 --> 00:07:53,838 Leave me alone! 203 00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:55,974 The whole town hates me because you lied 204 00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:58,577 to cover up for your own stupid mistake! 205 00:07:58,579 --> 00:08:00,645 [Normal voice] [Sighs] That's true. 206 00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:04,048 And I know what it'll take to make things right. 207 00:08:04,050 --> 00:08:05,784 Stan: Ice cream. 208 00:08:05,786 --> 00:08:08,921 [All booing] 209 00:08:08,923 --> 00:08:10,522 I want to fight ya! 210 00:08:10,524 --> 00:08:12,457 Come on, fight me! 211 00:08:12,459 --> 00:08:13,992 Fight me! 212 00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:15,193 I didn't do it. 213 00:08:15,195 --> 00:08:16,929 Dad, tell them the truth. 214 00:08:16,931 --> 00:08:19,331 The truth? 215 00:08:19,333 --> 00:08:22,534 This is the best damn ice cream in the tri-county area! 216 00:08:22,536 --> 00:08:24,002 [All cheering] 217 00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:27,005 I can hold the hero up all by myself! 218 00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:28,206 [Cheering continues] 219 00:08:28,208 --> 00:08:31,075 [Muffled] I'm country strong! 220 00:08:31,077 --> 00:08:35,347 [Up-tempo circus music plays] 221 00:08:35,349 --> 00:08:38,150 [Burps] 222 00:08:38,152 --> 00:08:39,551 [Fabric rips] 223 00:08:39,553 --> 00:08:41,754 [Farts] 224 00:08:41,756 --> 00:08:43,421 Well, kid... 225 00:08:43,423 --> 00:08:45,357 - you suck... - Mm. 226 00:08:45,359 --> 00:08:47,826 ...ceded beautifully... 227 00:08:47,828 --> 00:08:49,694 - Mm? - ...at being God awful... 228 00:08:49,696 --> 00:08:54,032 - Mm. - ...is the opposite of what I think. 229 00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:55,900 Psych! You stink, and I hate you. 230 00:08:55,902 --> 00:08:58,236 - [Ball squeaks] - Now, get this through your skull, man, 231 00:08:58,238 --> 00:08:59,571 'cause I don't play mind games. 232 00:08:59,573 --> 00:09:02,174 You will never be a clown. 233 00:09:02,176 --> 00:09:05,177 You got potential, kid, and you can't teach that. 234 00:09:05,179 --> 00:09:06,244 You know what? 235 00:09:06,246 --> 00:09:07,980 I host a little retreat every summer 236 00:09:07,982 --> 00:09:09,381 at my house on Block Island 237 00:09:09,383 --> 00:09:11,984 for just a handful of my most promising students. 238 00:09:11,986 --> 00:09:13,251 No real structure. 239 00:09:13,253 --> 00:09:14,919 We just honk a little buffoonery, 240 00:09:14,921 --> 00:09:17,456 lay some japes, blow each other... you know, clown stuff. 241 00:09:17,458 --> 00:09:19,524 - And I think you could make the cut. - Really? 242 00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:22,795 If you push yourself to the absolute limit. 243 00:09:22,797 --> 00:09:24,663 [Upbeat music plays, babbling] 244 00:09:24,665 --> 00:09:27,065 Uhp, I got to take this. It's my "aclowntant." 245 00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:28,400 You know, a clown accountant? 246 00:09:28,402 --> 00:09:30,135 He's got this giant calculator 247 00:09:30,137 --> 00:09:32,136 that only ever adds up to "boobs." 248 00:09:32,138 --> 00:09:33,271 Pretty funny, but, frankly, 249 00:09:33,273 --> 00:09:35,374 I think he's been stealing from me. 250 00:09:37,678 --> 00:09:39,611 Now, I know you're still upset. 251 00:09:39,613 --> 00:09:43,015 I can't even show my face in this town anymore! 252 00:09:43,017 --> 00:09:44,282 Well, I've taken care of that. 253 00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:45,818 [Gasps] You confessed to the town that 254 00:09:45,820 --> 00:09:47,419 you were the one who ruined the mural? 255 00:09:47,421 --> 00:09:50,889 Better... I've converted the garage into... 256 00:09:50,891 --> 00:09:52,424 "Haley's Hideaway." 257 00:09:52,426 --> 00:09:54,026 Now you'll never have to leave the house... 258 00:09:54,028 --> 00:09:55,093 or want to. 259 00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:56,695 Dad, this is the single worst... 260 00:09:56,697 --> 00:09:58,030 When you're not racking up high scores 261 00:09:58,032 --> 00:10:00,098 on your sweet "Sopranos" pinball machine, 262 00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,634 you can groove to some hot tunes on your top-of-the-line 263 00:10:02,636 --> 00:10:05,838 Sanyo boom box... with MegaBass. 264 00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:07,039 You still like Warrant, right? 265 00:10:07,041 --> 00:10:08,640 I don't recall ever having... 266 00:10:08,642 --> 00:10:11,376 - ? She's my cherry pie ? - Dad! 267 00:10:11,378 --> 00:10:13,978 ? Cool drink of water, such a sweet surprise ? 268 00:10:13,980 --> 00:10:15,313 [Distorted, slightly louder] ? Tastes so good, make... ? 269 00:10:15,315 --> 00:10:17,049 [Crying] How could you be so selfish?! 270 00:10:17,051 --> 00:10:18,783 ? Sweet cherry pie ? 271 00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:19,852 Oh, yeah! 272 00:10:19,854 --> 00:10:22,254 ? She's my cherry pie ? 273 00:10:22,256 --> 00:10:26,191 [Up-tempo drums play] 274 00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:35,567 [Balloon squeaking] 275 00:10:36,937 --> 00:10:38,002 [Sloop!] 276 00:10:38,004 --> 00:10:38,937 [Balloon squeaks] 277 00:10:38,939 --> 00:10:45,277 ?? 278 00:10:45,279 --> 00:10:48,680 - [Screaming] - [Nose honking] 279 00:10:48,682 --> 00:10:54,086 ?? 280 00:10:54,088 --> 00:10:55,153 - Aah! - [Bones cracking] 281 00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:56,821 [Groans] 282 00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:58,490 Well, kid, you did it. 283 00:10:58,492 --> 00:11:01,693 You pushed yourself to the absolute limit. 284 00:11:01,695 --> 00:11:03,228 So, when's the retreat? 285 00:11:03,230 --> 00:11:05,297 Ha! You were never going on the retreat. 286 00:11:05,299 --> 00:11:08,032 I was just using you to motivate Gumdrop. 287 00:11:08,034 --> 00:11:09,834 Gumdrop, you really got my attention 288 00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:11,503 when you made that banana disappear. 289 00:11:11,505 --> 00:11:12,705 [Nose honks] 290 00:11:12,707 --> 00:11:15,373 Hello, is this the North American Federation 291 00:11:15,375 --> 00:11:17,642 - of Clowning Academics? - [ Nose honks] 292 00:11:17,644 --> 00:11:20,379 Well, I'd like to file a report. 293 00:11:20,381 --> 00:11:24,048 An instructor, uh... well, he... 294 00:11:24,050 --> 00:11:25,984 he hit me! 295 00:11:25,986 --> 00:11:28,520 Man: Wah-wah! 296 00:11:30,391 --> 00:11:33,525 Haley, honey, you were right. 297 00:11:33,527 --> 00:11:36,128 It's time I finally did the one simple thing 298 00:11:36,130 --> 00:11:37,996 I should've done from the very beginning and... 299 00:11:37,998 --> 00:11:41,065 Ether says what?! 300 00:11:41,067 --> 00:11:42,601 Don't worry, baby girl. 301 00:11:42,603 --> 00:11:45,337 You'll be able to show your face again... 302 00:11:45,339 --> 00:11:47,373 once you have a new face. 303 00:11:59,820 --> 00:12:03,221 I've seen Dr. Weitzman do this tons of times at work. 304 00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:05,090 How hard can it be? All right. 305 00:12:05,092 --> 00:12:07,492 Let's start by reshaping the old eyes. 306 00:12:07,494 --> 00:12:08,827 - Tap, tap, tap. - [Squirt!] 307 00:12:08,829 --> 00:12:11,429 Oop, oop. Eyeball's bulging just a bit. 308 00:12:11,431 --> 00:12:13,698 No problem, no problem. Just need to even it out. 309 00:12:13,700 --> 00:12:15,434 Easy. Easy. 310 00:12:15,436 --> 00:12:18,637 - [Pop!] - Okay, that one really came out. 311 00:12:18,639 --> 00:12:20,172 Well, might as well really get in there 312 00:12:20,174 --> 00:12:22,374 with a scalpel then and... 313 00:12:22,376 --> 00:12:23,575 There goes the face. 314 00:12:23,577 --> 00:12:24,909 That's okay. That's okay. 315 00:12:24,911 --> 00:12:26,845 Got to get worse before it gets better. 316 00:12:26,847 --> 00:12:29,381 Let's get the old Brillo Pad in on the action. 317 00:12:29,383 --> 00:12:31,583 - [Scraping] - Okay! 318 00:12:31,585 --> 00:12:33,852 Think we're getting back on track now. 319 00:12:33,854 --> 00:12:35,421 [Pinball machine dinging] 320 00:12:36,791 --> 00:12:39,057 [Hayley screams] 321 00:12:39,059 --> 00:12:40,325 [Sour chord plays] 322 00:12:40,327 --> 00:12:43,195 [Muffled] You made me a monster! 323 00:12:43,197 --> 00:12:45,263 Oh, it... it's not that bad. 324 00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:47,800 All you need is... the right hat. 325 00:12:49,536 --> 00:12:53,138 Is that Eva Marie Saint standing in my garage?! 326 00:12:53,140 --> 00:12:56,208 [Screaming] 327 00:12:56,210 --> 00:12:58,477 How could you do this to me?! 328 00:12:58,479 --> 00:13:01,013 I-I need to get away from this town. 329 00:13:01,015 --> 00:13:03,748 I need to get away from you! 330 00:13:03,750 --> 00:13:05,083 Aaaaaaaah! 331 00:13:05,085 --> 00:13:06,751 [Tires screech] 332 00:13:06,753 --> 00:13:07,752 Haley! 333 00:13:07,754 --> 00:13:09,488 - You shouldn't drive! - [Tires squeal] 334 00:13:09,490 --> 00:13:11,824 You're acting all crazy! 335 00:13:11,826 --> 00:13:12,825 Aah! 336 00:13:12,827 --> 00:13:16,561 [Horn blares] 337 00:13:16,563 --> 00:13:18,497 Damn it, O'Shanahan's! 338 00:13:18,499 --> 00:13:20,699 I just fixed her face! 339 00:13:24,604 --> 00:13:28,140 - I'm afraid Haley is in what we call a "super coma." - [Monitor beeping] 340 00:13:28,142 --> 00:13:31,677 But at least she's not in any pain, right? 341 00:13:31,679 --> 00:13:33,145 Oh, quite to the contrary. 342 00:13:33,147 --> 00:13:35,080 The only part of her brain that's still functioning 343 00:13:35,082 --> 00:13:36,614 are the pain receptors, 344 00:13:36,616 --> 00:13:38,817 leaving her in a perpetual state of searing agony. 345 00:13:38,819 --> 00:13:41,419 Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to take a doctor poop 346 00:13:41,421 --> 00:13:42,488 in the doctor bathroom. 347 00:13:42,490 --> 00:13:43,955 [Monitor continues] 348 00:13:43,957 --> 00:13:50,762 ?? 349 00:13:50,764 --> 00:13:52,364 [Sighs] 350 00:13:52,366 --> 00:13:54,232 - Wassup?! - [Gasps] 351 00:13:54,234 --> 00:13:58,370 You may have them fooled, "doctor," but not me. 352 00:13:58,372 --> 00:13:59,971 [Sighs] Fine. 353 00:13:59,973 --> 00:14:01,173 It's me, Haley. 354 00:14:01,175 --> 00:14:02,440 [Dramatic chord plays] 355 00:14:02,442 --> 00:14:04,442 What?! I thought you were a nurse 356 00:14:04,444 --> 00:14:06,378 trying to pass yourself off as a doctor! 357 00:14:06,380 --> 00:14:07,779 How can this be? 358 00:14:07,781 --> 00:14:10,582 When I saw what my dad had done to my face, 359 00:14:10,584 --> 00:14:11,917 it was the final straw. 360 00:14:11,919 --> 00:14:16,321 I became consumed by one goal and one goal only... 361 00:14:16,323 --> 00:14:17,723 revenge. 362 00:14:17,725 --> 00:14:20,258 So I pretended to drive off in hysterics 363 00:14:20,260 --> 00:14:22,327 and faked my accident. 364 00:14:22,329 --> 00:14:25,397 Then it was just a matter of blackmailing Dr. Weitzman 365 00:14:25,399 --> 00:14:28,333 into actually reconstructing my face... 366 00:14:28,335 --> 00:14:31,136 [Ominous music plays] 367 00:14:31,138 --> 00:14:35,140 ...and recruiting Jeff to play the part of poor comatose Haley. 368 00:14:35,142 --> 00:14:39,211 Now I'll have a front-row seat to watch my dad suffer, 369 00:14:39,213 --> 00:14:42,013 wracked with guilt as I describe to him every day 370 00:14:42,015 --> 00:14:45,951 just how much pain his darling daughter is in. 371 00:14:45,953 --> 00:14:47,886 You will keep my secret, right, Klaus? 372 00:14:47,888 --> 00:14:52,290 Absolutely. I, too, desire to see Stan suffer. 373 00:14:52,292 --> 00:14:54,292 You see, just last week, 374 00:14:54,294 --> 00:14:58,430 I asked him if he'd give me notes on my comic-strip idea. 375 00:14:58,432 --> 00:15:01,833 And you know what he said to me? 376 00:15:01,835 --> 00:15:03,435 Well, I have to go to work right now, 377 00:15:03,437 --> 00:15:06,171 but I'd be happy to take a look later. 378 00:15:06,173 --> 00:15:09,375 [Ominous music plays] 379 00:15:09,377 --> 00:15:11,709 Happy to take a look later?! 380 00:15:11,711 --> 00:15:14,512 Revenge will be ours! 381 00:15:14,514 --> 00:15:16,782 [Both laugh manically] 382 00:15:16,784 --> 00:15:20,586 Wh-Where's he going? 383 00:15:20,588 --> 00:15:22,854 He's not feeling guilty at all. 384 00:15:22,856 --> 00:15:26,324 He's back at work on that stupid mural! 385 00:15:26,326 --> 00:15:29,795 Klaus: And he's hired Langley's most accomplished artist, 386 00:15:29,797 --> 00:15:32,931 the guy who paints the frescos at Olive Garden. 387 00:15:32,933 --> 00:15:35,801 Looks like the grand unveiling is this Saturday. 388 00:15:35,803 --> 00:15:39,871 That's the way to make him suffer. 389 00:15:39,873 --> 00:15:42,608 We'll blow up the mural at the unveiling. 390 00:15:42,610 --> 00:15:44,142 He'll be devastated. 391 00:15:44,144 --> 00:15:47,078 And revenge will, at last, be mine! 392 00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:49,948 Wait, Klaus. Where did you get those binoculars? 393 00:15:49,950 --> 00:15:53,018 Are those Ashlyn's binoculars, my old American Girl doll? 394 00:15:53,020 --> 00:15:55,487 She can lend her stuff to whoever she wants! 395 00:15:55,489 --> 00:15:56,955 [Slurps] 396 00:15:56,957 --> 00:15:59,157 Dr. Montacristo, what are you doing here? 397 00:15:59,159 --> 00:16:02,694 Oh, you might say I have a great personal interest 398 00:16:02,696 --> 00:16:05,163 - in the fate of this mural. - Okay. 399 00:16:05,165 --> 00:16:10,235 The unveiling's sure to be an explosive event. 400 00:16:10,237 --> 00:16:11,503 [Slurps] Yep. 401 00:16:11,505 --> 00:16:12,838 Hey, hon. 402 00:16:12,840 --> 00:16:15,441 I brought you some chicken soup for lunch. 403 00:16:15,443 --> 00:16:17,909 Oh. Dr. Montacristo. 404 00:16:17,911 --> 00:16:19,645 [Unenthused] Would you like some, too? 405 00:16:19,647 --> 00:16:23,581 Actually, Mrs. Smith, I prefer gazpacho, 406 00:16:23,583 --> 00:16:28,787 a dish, like revenge, best served cold. 407 00:16:28,789 --> 00:16:32,190 [Laughs manically] 408 00:16:32,192 --> 00:16:34,660 [Laughter] 409 00:16:39,133 --> 00:16:41,800 - [Laughter stops] - All right. I'm out. 410 00:16:41,802 --> 00:16:44,069 - [Horns honking in distance] - _ 411 00:16:44,071 --> 00:16:46,472 - [Indistinct conversations] - If everyone would please have a seat, 412 00:16:46,474 --> 00:16:48,340 we can begin the proceedings. 413 00:16:48,342 --> 00:16:53,211 [Julius Fucik's "Entry of the Gladiators" plays] 414 00:16:53,213 --> 00:16:55,481 Aaaaaah! 415 00:16:55,483 --> 00:16:58,083 [Trombone playing discordantly] 416 00:16:58,085 --> 00:16:59,151 Okay. 417 00:16:59,153 --> 00:17:00,752 Everybody... 418 00:17:00,754 --> 00:17:02,287 We don't have all day. 419 00:17:02,289 --> 00:17:05,557 [Boing!] 420 00:17:05,559 --> 00:17:06,725 [Sloop!] 421 00:17:08,828 --> 00:17:10,628 - [Slump!] - [Clucking] 422 00:17:11,421 --> 00:17:12,430 Gentlemen! 423 00:17:12,432 --> 00:17:16,368 If you don't stop doing bits, we'll never get out of here. 424 00:17:16,370 --> 00:17:18,236 Now, Mr. Rimmons, 425 00:17:18,238 --> 00:17:19,371 this isn't the first time 426 00:17:19,373 --> 00:17:21,306 you've been accused of hitting a student. 427 00:17:21,308 --> 00:17:25,110 But it is the first time I didn't actually do it. 428 00:17:25,112 --> 00:17:26,778 May I retract that statement? 429 00:17:26,780 --> 00:17:29,381 You're hereby stripped of your clown-teaching license. 430 00:17:30,070 --> 00:17:31,917 Looks like you won, kid. 431 00:17:35,856 --> 00:17:37,723 Ahem. 432 00:17:41,261 --> 00:17:42,594 Meeting adjourned. 433 00:17:42,596 --> 00:17:44,262 [Boing!] 434 00:17:44,264 --> 00:17:45,663 [Giggles] 435 00:17:45,665 --> 00:17:50,001 - [Dramatic music plays] - _ 436 00:17:50,003 --> 00:17:51,469 Fellow citizens, 437 00:17:51,471 --> 00:17:54,740 it's time this whole mural fiasco was made right. 438 00:17:54,742 --> 00:17:57,075 Okay, on my mark. 439 00:17:57,077 --> 00:17:58,276 Three... 440 00:17:58,278 --> 00:17:59,677 So, at long last... 441 00:17:59,679 --> 00:18:00,678 ...two... 442 00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:02,480 ...I finally give to you... 443 00:18:02,482 --> 00:18:03,415 ...one... 444 00:18:03,417 --> 00:18:05,683 ...my confession. 445 00:18:05,685 --> 00:18:06,818 [All gasp] 446 00:18:06,820 --> 00:18:07,886 Wait! Abort, abort! 447 00:18:07,888 --> 00:18:11,156 Goofus McDoof sends his regards! 448 00:18:11,158 --> 00:18:12,558 Aah! 449 00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:15,627 Yes, it was me, not Hayley, who ruined the mural. 450 00:18:15,629 --> 00:18:19,030 I was so scared of losing my status as a hero to all of you 451 00:18:19,032 --> 00:18:21,367 that I betrayed my own daughter. 452 00:18:21,369 --> 00:18:24,436 But then I saw her in that coma, and ever since, 453 00:18:24,438 --> 00:18:27,039 my only hope has been that this monumental confession 454 00:18:27,041 --> 00:18:29,575 might somehow reach through to her 455 00:18:29,577 --> 00:18:31,643 and bring her back to me. 456 00:18:31,645 --> 00:18:33,511 ?? 457 00:18:33,513 --> 00:18:36,248 [Crowd booing, shouting] 458 00:18:38,852 --> 00:18:40,919 See what your dad did, honey? 459 00:18:40,921 --> 00:18:43,055 Squeeze my hand if you can hear me. 460 00:18:43,057 --> 00:18:44,390 Mrs. Smith, if you don't mind, 461 00:18:44,392 --> 00:18:46,658 I need to re-catheterize your daughter's penis. 462 00:18:46,660 --> 00:18:48,227 Sure, sure, whatever. 463 00:18:51,465 --> 00:18:52,464 Oh, Daddy! 464 00:18:52,466 --> 00:18:53,665 Still got it. 465 00:18:53,667 --> 00:18:55,934 No, Dad. It's me, Hayley. 466 00:18:55,936 --> 00:18:58,270 Hayley? Baby girl! You're all right! 467 00:18:58,272 --> 00:19:00,872 Oh, I'm so sorry! Can you ever forgive me? 468 00:19:00,874 --> 00:19:03,541 Hey, what you did up there... 469 00:19:03,543 --> 00:19:05,877 showed a lot of loyntegresty. 470 00:19:05,879 --> 00:19:07,679 So I don't think people need to see 471 00:19:07,681 --> 00:19:09,281 a monument to your eternal shame 472 00:19:09,283 --> 00:19:11,984 every time they drive down Old Chickasaw Road. 473 00:19:17,757 --> 00:19:19,224 Why? 474 00:19:19,226 --> 00:19:22,761 Why would anyone want to destroy my AutoZone? 475 00:19:22,763 --> 00:19:27,299 [Sobbing] 476 00:19:27,301 --> 00:19:30,302 So, you think you'll end up getting your old face back? 477 00:19:30,304 --> 00:19:33,439 I dunno. Probably. 478 00:19:33,441 --> 00:19:35,374 - [Birds chirping] - _ 479 00:19:35,375 --> 00:19:36,375 _ 480 00:19:36,910 --> 00:19:38,243 And, remember, ladies and gentlemen, 481 00:19:38,245 --> 00:19:41,980 Belljar papers are due Friday... no exceptions. 482 00:19:41,982 --> 00:19:43,381 Jenna, that means you. 483 00:19:43,383 --> 00:19:44,516 [Laughter] 484 00:19:44,518 --> 00:19:47,185 Hey, babe, should be home in about 10 minutes. 485 00:19:47,187 --> 00:19:49,054 [Gasps] 486 00:19:49,056 --> 00:19:51,389 You know what? Make it 20. 487 00:19:51,391 --> 00:19:54,793 I got to say hi to... an old friend. 488 00:20:02,269 --> 00:20:05,270 [Wind gusts] 489 00:20:05,272 --> 00:20:06,604 - [Growls] - Aah! 490 00:20:06,606 --> 00:20:08,006 [Raspy] That's right. 491 00:20:08,008 --> 00:20:11,409 I've returned... as an It-style evil clown 492 00:20:11,411 --> 00:20:14,412 named "Gladhandz," thirsting for revenge. 493 00:20:14,414 --> 00:20:15,947 [Normal voice] That's Gladhandz with a "Z." 494 00:20:15,949 --> 00:20:17,483 [Raspy] I'll haunt your every dream 495 00:20:17,485 --> 00:20:20,686 until, finally, I lure you into the depths of the sewer 496 00:20:20,688 --> 00:20:22,287 and to your doom. 497 00:20:22,289 --> 00:20:24,622 Uh-huh, and how are you gonna do that, then? 498 00:20:24,624 --> 00:20:26,024 [Normal voice] Um... 499 00:20:26,026 --> 00:20:28,426 Get in the sewer! [Sighs] 500 00:20:28,428 --> 00:20:31,229 I-I'll level with you, Steve. I didn't think this through. 501 00:20:31,231 --> 00:20:32,964 I caught wind on LinkedIn 502 00:20:32,966 --> 00:20:34,632 of how well you were doing out here, 503 00:20:34,634 --> 00:20:36,101 and I-I guess I just kind of lost it. 504 00:20:36,103 --> 00:20:38,704 Next thing you know, I'm filing my teeth down to points 505 00:20:38,706 --> 00:20:40,238 and climbing into a sewer drain. 506 00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:41,639 I'll be straight with you, Steve. 507 00:20:41,641 --> 00:20:42,841 I need your help... 508 00:20:42,843 --> 00:20:44,776 both financially and just, you know, 509 00:20:44,778 --> 00:20:46,111 to get out of the sewer. 510 00:20:46,799 --> 00:20:48,514 How long ago did he walk away? 511 00:20:48,516 --> 00:20:50,248 Oh, quite a while ago. 512 00:20:50,250 --> 00:20:53,585 Then you shall inherit the curse of Gladhandz! 513 00:20:53,587 --> 00:20:55,854 [Grunting] 514 00:20:55,856 --> 00:20:58,656 [Raspy] You'll never be free of me! 515 00:20:58,658 --> 00:21:00,693 Bye! Have a great time! 516 00:21:00,694 --> 00:21:02,694 - synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com 517 00:21:02,744 --> 00:21:07,294 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0